Sickening: SAS celebs suffer poo accident
In the razzle dazzle world of showbiz, you know your career is in the toilet when you're made to empty a makeshift toilet in order to appear on prime time television.
And the hierarchy of celebrity is made crystal clear on SAS Australia when there are only two hazmat suits available for the four-man job of emptying the barrel of human waste. Two must go sans gloves and protection. It can only end in disaster. And on Monday night, it does.
Guy Sebastian slammed the show recently and branded it "sick" after he saw the first episode where Honey Badger punched a girl. There's no way he'd survive tonight's incident. It's explosive - metaphorically, but also literally. Top tip: Guard your faces.
It's also the only thing we've got to work with since the soldiers fall asleep at the wheel and fail to interrogate that chick from The Bachelorette about the X-rated scandal that has plagued her for years.
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We're three weeks in and the soldiers are as empathetic and understanding as ever. In the first task of the evening, Merrick must cling to a wire and crawl from one cliff to another. He gets rope burn in a sensitive area and it leads to a beautiful exchange.
"My balls! It's absolutely shredded my nuts!" his screams echo around the chasm.
"Shut up number 10! This is not a joke!" the head soldier scolds.
Alleged drug cheat Shayna Jack is the first celeb to get interrogated and it's underwhelming. The past few weeks have been an embarrassment of riches with Schapelle getting grilled about Kerobokan and Candice Warner getting probed about the toilet tryst. An alleged drug cheat swimmer is just a bit of a snoozefest by comparison.
She rehashes the details about how 18 months ago she was going into training and was made to take a routine drug test and then her head coach was called and suddenly she was banned from the sport for four years.
"I got accused of taking drugs which I'd never do, ever," she sobs. "I've never felt so much pain and anger that I feel for the fact I don't have control of what's happening. I don't know what I did to deserve this. Every day for the past year has been a living nightmare."
Even producers know this exchange is boring so they treat us to a naked Honey Badger.
Then that Ali chick who was The Bachelorette a million years ago is summoned to the interrogation room and we sit up in our seats.
In recent weeks, we've seen the soldiers googling away about the inmates and interrogating them about the salacious headlines they find. Ali has been dogged by a very specific X-rated story for years. I'm not going to shame her - all I'll say is it involves a sexual act and a staircase. And you can read about it here and here. But that's all I'll say because I'm a very nice person. Oh, you can also read this.
The soldiers fall asleep at the wheel and don't bring it up. Either they didn't do their research or they've gone soft.
Instead, she just cries and talks about her relationship ending with that guy she met on The Bachelorette.
"I went through a lot of my life being anxious. Just being in the spotlight, not knowing how to deal with it," she tells the soldiers.
Mmmhmmm. Mmmhhmm. It must've been hard getting forced to go on The Bachelor against your will. And then on Bachelor In Paradise. And then again on The Bachelorette.
"It went really … well?" she says with an upward inflection, like she's not even sure how it panned out.
As distant bystanders, we can say with certainty it did not go well.
"It was definitely worth my time because of what I learnt about myself and I say that because I met an amazing man. And we spent two amazing years together," she breaks down. "He didn't want the same things I wanted. I still think he's my soulmate but our timelines are different. It just kinda makes me feel a bit empty. I'm going up to my parents' to live with them for a while to find my feet."
It's very sad to hear and really summarises the reality TV experience. Part of me wants to use this as an example to deter 20-somethings from applying for these shows - and instead encourage them to get an actual job. But then I'd be out of a job myself with no more weirdos to write about. And that, friends, is the circle of life. Hakuna matata.
She's then waterboarded:
After that downer of an interrogation, it's time to lift our spirits with footage of celebrities getting covered in human waste.
A quick refresher: these celebrities are staying at a Rydges so of course this means the communal toilet bucket needs to be emptied by hand.
It's a four-man job and only two hazmat suits are available. It's a classic reality TV producer trick. Whoever doesn't get the protective gear will have a burning resentment inside them and drama will ensue down the track. It also creates a hierarchy of which celebrity is more important.
That guy from Underbelly and that bloke from The Biggest Loser get the hazmat suits - complete with gloves and visor shields. Candice and Ali get nothing - no suit, gloves or face cover.
They all lift the toilet bucket that's lined with a plastic bag and shuffle over to a larger metal barrel to dump it in. We assume it'll then be set on fire and launched into space.
But as they lift it, trembling hands falter under the weight.
"Don't rip it!" Ali shrieks as the plastic bag disintegrates and falls apart.
The toilet bucket crashes to the ground and the garbage bag splits open - its contents slapping onto the dirt and splashing up all over them.
Candice then frantically wipes her face as the others jump back and shake their hands in the air.
It's pretty hard to top the sight of Roxy Jacenko being pushed out of a helicopter in episode one - but Candice Warner getting splashed in the face with human waste completely overtakes it.
It's a startling example of what people will do these days to remain relevant. You could go get a casual job at Myer or you could go on reality TV and end up with shit on your face.
Most of us would choose the former.
Originally published as Sickening: SAS celebs suffer poo accident