HELLO, my name is Damian and I don't have a Facebook page.
There, I said it.
It's out in the open at last.
I am the only living person who doesn't feel the need to expose himself online.
There's a lot of places I will expose myself ... but not on the internet.
I used to wonder if that made me a freak.
Or more of a freak than you already suspected.
I'm no expert (on any topic at all) but I think people are becoming sick of being tied to their computer in order to keep up with the lives of their 3790 online friends - most of whom they have never met.
Much as I hate to be seen as socially aware, I think people are starting to tire of being compelled to keep up to date with every little thing that happens in their friends' lives.
Miss one little piece of news and the friendship is in trouble.
Miss a relationship break-up or a PMS hissy-fit and they'll cut you off like a third nipple.
Facebook friendships can be brutal like that.
Some people change their Facebook friends more often than they change their underwear.
And people lie on Facebook, particularly when it comes to profile photos.
What with Photoshopping and all forms of manipulation they've got these days, you can change your photo to be almost anything.
You could make me look like Mel Gibson if you wanted to.
Or Hugh Jackman.
Or even Angelina Jolie.
My wife and I were in a photo shop recently when a young fella came in and asked his mate behind the counter if he would do some work on a photo he was going to use on his Facebook profile.
I'll be honest with you, this kid was no oil painting.
There was a bit of acne going on and he was at that awkward age where he had a bit of fuzz on his face.
You know what I mean, not enough to shave but a light combing wouldn't have hurt.
We watched in amazement as his mate worked his special magic, erasing blemishes, making entire patches of pimples disappear and giving the bloke a virtual shave.
By the time he'd finished, the young bloke in the picture looked more like a movie star than the spotty-faced runt in front of us.
What worries me is that at some stage in the future, some young lady is going to fall for this online god.
Boy, will she be in for a shock.
It's all a bit scary, isn't it?
If I wanted to weave a web of lies to convince you I am a chisel-jawed love god, technology makes it possible.
I can maintain that facade for as long as I like, just as long as we don't ever have to meet.
And even if we do, a few hours in the plastic surgeon's chair and I can be that man in the photo.
In fact, how do you know I look anything like the photo I use on this column?
For all you know, I might be a man dressed as a woman, posing as man.
Now there's a thought to keep you off Facebook forever.
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