LADIES and gentlemen of the media, the Prime Minister. Thank you. Welcome all and the topic of this morning's media conference is how I solved Australia's energy crisis. Tax. That is the solution to all our energy problems.
No, we are not adding a resources tax. No, we are not putting a carbon tax in.
Just let me finish and you can ask all the questions you want straight after I leave the room.
Who'll answer them after I leave the room? Er, Frottingbird or whatever his name is. No I am not joshing. He will. Oh, sorry, yes, that's right, Josh Frydenberg, the Minister Assisting the Prime Minister on Energy Matters.
Yes, he does think he's the Energy Minister but we can't all be that and I must say I look dashing in a hard hat making tough announcements.
Look, just give me a minute, I don't have much to offer, I mean much to say.
But here it is: If the states don't co-operate and get us out of the mess we created by letting all the gas go overseas, we will cut their GST share and withhold it and not let them play in the tax sandpit until they all behave.
Except of course in any electorate where we need to support a hard-working local member who's struggling to get re-elected so we can keep on making hard hats, I mean announcements.
Never mind that silly idea that we are exporting gas that could be used here.
Ignore the opposition leader who said he would cross the floor to vote against any sort of clean energy target because he was the one who brought in the Renewable Energy Target that runs out in 2020. It was amended in 2015 when he was PM.
Yes, I do mean the opposition leader. At the moment he's leading the opposition to same-sex marriage but normally he's leading the opposition to me.
Who said Tony Abbott?
Never mention that name in my media conferences again.
And we will not invoke "defence powers", as that same man suggested. We don't bully the states, we just make it impossible for them to not cooperate. And using the defence powers would be illegal. They are a wartime provision.
What are we calling the policy? Glad you asked. You know we like really snappy names so we had an ad agency come up with one.
Doesn't matter what it cost, just as long as it does the job.
Who said half a million? Who told you that? It's supposed to be secret.
Aargh! I told you don't mention that name again.
Oh the policy name?
Just a moment, I need to adjust my hard hat, stick out my jaw and align my best profile to all of you photogs.
All right now, one easy question please as the photogs snap away and I launch our new policy.
Yes, of course Tony has a role in the new energy policy.
That's why we called it Tilting at Windmills.
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