Kiss proves big MAFS problem
On Monday, a set of highly staged paparazzi pics did the rounds of various media organisations, showing one half of MAFS 's first lesbian couple, Tash Herz, twisting her tongue around that of a new love interest, a woman called Madison Hewitt.
It's not the first time the tatt-heavy blonde and brunette have been spotted engaging in some heavy, and ultra-stylised PDA while the show is airing.
Earlier, they frolicked together on the beach, posing in ways that were so neatly composed that you could almost hear the photographer barking, "And now put your hand on her waist … that's it, a little to the left!" in the background.
This year, a startling number of contestants have gone rogue and deliberately flaunted a new love interest in public despite the fact that the show has barely begun.
Sydney north shore odd couple Natasha Spencer and Mikey Pembroke have made it plain that their pairing didn't last until the finale, with Natasha referring to a new love called "Steve" on her social media and her fresh-faced onscreen husband squealing "Delete me Channel Nine, I don't give a f**k!" as he flirted with a bunch of girls in a boozy night out documented in his Instagram stories.
Recovering drug addict Hayley Vernon has also hinted that her on-screen marriage to truck driver David Cannon ended in a car crash while debuting new boyfriend Justin Leigh on Instagram barely a week ago.
I hesitate to say this in case I sound like a member of the show's production team but seriously, MAFS contestants, stop it.
You have contractual obligations to the production company to keep your private life under wraps until the finale - and I can tell you right now that hair extension company endorsements don't pay enough to buy you lawyers who can beat Endemol Shine - but more importantly you have signed a contract of good faith with us, your viewers.
Here's how that contract works: You film the show, either behaving with grace and honour and becoming a national treasure, or you show yourself to be a vile villain upon whom we project our own catastrophic dating histories. Either is fine.
In return we boost your social media followings which allows you to shill for at-home meal delivery services and D-grade nightclubs until the end of your days.
It's a happy, symbiotic pairing but it relies on us investing time and energy into you. We need to care about who you are and how the show ends for you in order to bother with you after the cameras stop.
If you keep hurling spoilers at us, we're going to tune out.
Do you want to have to pay for your own teeth whitening and fillers or do you not? Exactly.
Look, I'm not going to pretend that Married At First Sight is a life-and-death thing, even though I have every episode set to record, can name every contestant who's ever gone on the show in alphabetical order and will probably cancel visiting a friend who's just had a baby tonight because she lives in one of the Sydney houses that is currently in blackout thanks to flooding - so that's just not going to work, sorry.
But we're either on this ride a hundred per cent or we're not. And for those of us who are, we deserve a little suspense.
Please. Do your part.
Don't drive us to Dancing With The Stars.
Alex Carlton is a freelance writer | @Alex_Carlton