Top 8 tips for flying on business trips

WE'VE had to stow the corporate dartboard this week in favour of travelling to Melbourne for the 2014 Australian Penny Arcade Exhibition.

Obviously this requires flying, as the company limo is being used this week to evacuate our Brisbane offices ahead of the G20 lockout.

So here are some things I've learnt about flying:

1. Pick a company and stick with it.

By this I mean fly Virgin. Qantas isn't worth the extra money, isn't patriotic and isn't giving discounts for bringing your own goat. Jetstar will cancel your child's birthday party given the chance.

2. Pick a back aisle seat.

Be close to the toilets and don't force yourself to climb over people. You also get a better view of the goat racing.

3. They (security staff) can smell your fear.

Security staff are trained to smell fear and will choose their next victim accordingly. Don't make eye contact and if spotted, look whiter.

4. Travel lighter.

For my last trip I brought my phone and my credit card. You'd be amazed at the personal hygiene implications of a well-sharpened credit card.

5. If it doesn't fit in your pocket, it's not carry-on.

Your documents can be checked in. They should be digital by now. If you're putting something with wheels into the overhead locker you deserve everything ASIO privately wishes it could do to you.

7. Don't joke about security.

See number 6? No? It was a joke about security. Joking isn't allowed.

8. Don't bother with toiletries.

Don't risk ruining all your clothes for the sake of taking your own Pantene.

Topics:  flying jetstar kieran salsone opinion satire virgin

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