MAFS cheaters crushed in humiliating downfall
MARRIED At First Sight's hungover cheaters have been humiliated and exposed in the series finale, with secret footage publicly aired and a trail of destruction left in their wake, as scorned exes and furious contestants crush them like a stale handbag biscuit.
After eleven weeks, it has come - the finale. These people have jep-ra-dized everything to be here. But was it worth it?
It's the second part to the reunion, because the first part came in the form of last night's drunk dinner party where everyone glassed each other. Why not just end it last night? The glassing seemed like a nice full stop for the series. Well, it's kinda like when you're wasted at a party and it's 2am and your friends start debating whether to call you an Uber or an ambulance, but then you secretly vomit in the homeowner's wardrobe and, suddenly, you've got a second wind and you can keep partying.
After last night's drunk glass-throwing hysterics, we've since thrown up and we're ready to do it all again tonight.
How does this part of the reunion work? Everyone comes into the warehouse hungover to face the experts and, suddenly, John Aiken hits the lights and Mel Schilling rolls in a TV.
"We've got the receipts!" Mel Schilling yells and all the contestants gasp and act like they didn't know they were being filmed for the past three months.
"Roll the tape!" John Aiken screams and archived footage of everyone's affairs begin to play in front of the group. It's all very professional and I'm sure it's in line with industry standard set by the Psychology Board of Australia.
Not everyone's in attendance tonight. Sam has decided to ditch but we completely understand. Fake international funerals can come out of nowhere. More on this soon.
Because we haven't quite been tortured enough, the experts make us relive everyone's wedding days with sepia-toned archive footage. The weddings weren't a treat when they happened and they're not a treat this evening.
The only thing more annoying than this is when Mike and Heidi are invited up to the couch first and Heidi craps on forever about the ins and outs of how her always-doomed relationship ended.
"I moved to the Gold Coast and we were great for a little bit and then we went a bit rocky and then we went bad and then we thought we would thrive and then I lost myself," she rattles.
Heidi still doesn't know how to tell a story and it's like she hasn't learned from her boring government housing story. Make it interesting - maybe put it all in a fun and snappy little jingle, like The Nanny theme song.
Anyway, Mike and Heidi hate each other but the experts are determined to cause more trouble and encourage them to get back together and at this point we don't have the energy to argue with television psychologists.
Next up, Nic and Cyrell blast on up to the couch.
Cyrell's aggressive, threatening behaviour has been a consistent issue on the show. In a bid to aid Cyrell's personal growth, the play a highlight reel of Cyrell's worst moments. It includes all the yelling and screaming but stops shot of re-airing the moment she mildly choked Martha.
It doesn't really have the sobering effect the experts were hoping for.
"I love it, I'm proud of myself," Cyrell beams.
"What about last night … your exchange with Martha?" John Aiken asks.
Cyrell doesn't know what he's talking about and neither do we. We don't remember any exchange, John. We remember two trashed ladies throwing wine glasses at each other. But we don't remember any exchanges.
"No regrets," Cyrell shrugs before licking her index finger, touching the air and making a sizzle sound.
"Wish you all the best," Mel Schilling eye-rolls.
We hear the sound of metal scraping on metal. It's Lizzie, wearing every piece of jewellery she owns. Come on up to the couch, sweetie.
She's alone Sam faked another funeral caught fake chickenpox again.
Lizzie makes a lot of facial expressions tonight but the best comes when we watch her flashback footage and she hears, for the first time, Sam telling us that he doesn't date "girls as big as Elizabeth" and how he wants her to download the Nat Joyce Revenge Body app. Having this broadcast in front of everyone as she sits alone on the couch is humiliating.
"I'm appalled! It's despicable and disgusting!" she yells while waving her acrylic nails in the air. "He's goin' around saying, 'She's a fatty who wants to bang me!'"
Now seems like an appropriate time for Mike to pipe up and mansplain to tell Lizzie how she should be feeling and defend Sam.
Look, Mike. There are only two things we'll seek your advice on:
1. Where to buy tattooed hair.
2. How to endure Heidi's government housing story.
Other than that, you're not required.
His interference angers Ines. She's been in a slump ever since Sam dumped her. And while she has always despised Lizzie, cracks begin to form. Hearing Lizzie's tale of heartache and humiliation, she realises it's exactly like her own. And it's all at the hands of this one man who couldn't even be bothered faking another funeral as an excuse for not facing them today.
Taking a leaf out of Tamara's book, she remains compoised. She then takes aim at Mike and does something she never thought she'd do: she defends Lizzie.
"Did you have a relationship with him? Would you know him like she would know him?" she snaps. "Elizabeth deserves closure!"
Lizzie can't believe it.
It's super heartfelt and the experts decide it's an appropriate time to play the archived footage of Ines stealing Sam from Lizzie and having sex in a cheap Gold Coast hotel.
In scorned solidarity, Ines walks up to the couch to sit alongside Lizzie.
"If anyone looks like a dickhead, I think it's me," she says, and it's the nicest thing Ines has ever said.
She touches her face. A confused look falls across her face as she stares at her finger tips. Her fingertips are wet. There's water dripping from her eyes. She doesn't know what it is.
In an attempt to change gears, Mel Schilling decides to take a break and chat with the ladies about "the sisterhood". It's her nice way of saying they've all acted like complete ferals.
And of course, it's only appropriate that Mike hijacks this conversation - intended to be only for the ladies - to declare that men rule and women drool.
Despite our judgment, Jessika brags to everyone that she's incredibly happy and things are amazing with Dan. What's their secret? They haven't seen each other in six weeks and Dan refuses to introduce his child to her. Honestly, it does sounds like a perfect relationship.
Kicking her when she's down, the experts then play footage of her and Dan's affair. The other contestants are out for blood. They want to bring Jessika down and, within seconds, they're all yelling about how Jessika tried to cheat with more than just one other husband. They reveal all about how she also propositioned Nic and then got rejected before she went and propositioned Dan just minutes later.
"Dan was third run off the ladder. She's goin for anyone mate, that's all it is," Mick slurs.
Proving he's the show's ultimate mean girl, John Aiken rolls the tape and airs footage of the humiliating moment Jessika was rejected by Nic and then went and untied her top in front of Dan.
Jessika is, ah, stunned?
Cyrell pipes up and screams something about Jessika being exactly like a 7-11 and I guess she's trying to say you only go there after da club when you're drunk and craving a three-day old Krispy Kreme.
Jessika doesn't really appreciate the observation.
"If I wanted your opinion, I'd kick ya kennel, shut up!" she splatters.
Dan hasn't said a word. The Botox he got in his forehead when he had his veneers applied has hindered any reaction tonight. Still, we can tell he's fuming.
"I honestly feel like I've been played," he grunts. "I'm hurt right now, looking at that. I honestly did came here for love. I fell in love with Jess. I've hurt a lot of people doing what I've done. Looking at that now, I feel like I'm a piece of shit."
It's at this point Jessika sobers up and realises she could be about to lose Dan.
What has she got out of this show? A long distance relationship with a man she had to steal who now doesn't trust her. And, somewhere along the way, she chipped a veneer.
Do they stay together? Not even the experts care. After exposing their lies and causing a rift between Dan and Jessika, they kick them off the couch and tell them to figure it out over FaceTime.
We reach down to grab one more Coles muffin from the junk food platter but they're all gone. Only crumbs remain. The value-pack block of Cadbury Dairy Milk has been ravaged and the packets of handbag biscuits are empty.
We're completely done.